4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
