I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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