God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
