you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All the doctor said was why
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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