whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
