and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He passed out mid-signature
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
