You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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