Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
