I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
