Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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