He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
