im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
