That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We got so high we made milksteak
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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