im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize