I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
