I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Boobs are out for the taking
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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