The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
