Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Pants are for mortals
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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