Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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