awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
