i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize