The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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