Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize
