You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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