god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
