$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
