I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
