i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
