Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
