So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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