Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
