I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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