Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
