census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
