I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
