I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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