dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
