okay pat passed out under dana's car
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
