It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
smell my finger.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize