I just threw up on my dentist
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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