I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
