if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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