I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
