So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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