I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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