I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
