I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
