I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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