How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
