the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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