I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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