I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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