Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
