I can text with my tongue
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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