Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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