Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
